It was a Tuesday evening when my friends and I met for drinks after work. Addis was bustling as usual with people trying to make it home but my friends and I paid no mind to all the commotion as we competed to get our stories across. We all had different scenarios to talk about because we work in different professions. It didn't take long for me to take over the floor with the issue of getting tested for HIV. One of my friends shared his opinion as follows "Why the hell would I want to know my status?

Can you imagine how my life will change if I found out I was positive? I would rather not know and live a happy life." Another friend added "I decided to get tested a month ago but when I got to the doctor's office, I got scared to ask for an HIV test. So I asked the doctor to check my blood type instead." Laughter burst from all around the table with heads nodding as if to say "Yeah, I feel you on that". At this point, there was a specific dilemma I wondered if we all shared. We've all heard about the benefits of testing. But how many of us in Ethiopia are in the same predicament where we honestly don't know how to feel about knowing our status? For all the talks about the benefits of knowing your status, don't some of us, like my friend who spoke first, really think it's better not to know?

I am not an expert on the human thought process but I wanted to share with you my understanding on this subject. I think that in our life time, we experience several forms of love including love for ourselves. This 'self-love' is expressed in so many ways but our ultimate aim is to cater to what we think is for our well-being. When it comes to choosing to know our sero-status, although the general consensus is that "if you care for yourself you will get tested and find out your status, I actually feel there is also self-love involved in not deciding to get tested. Those who decide to brave the anxiety of getting tested are doing so to take care of the self they love; their own. On the other hand, it's not that those who choose not to get tested don't feel the same amount of self-love. It's that they are expressing it in a different way. In the hopes of sparing themselves the agony of waiting for a possibly unwanted outcome, they prevent themselves from getting tested. Their reluctance to get tested does not mean that they are any less concerned. In fact, I think it shows a deeper concern about learning about a situation which they feel helpless about. The task of understanding that there is life after testing positive is harder for them.

Dealing with such a life changing knowledge is a scary thing no matter who you are. I am of the opinion that knowing my status to live a doubt free life is worth experiencing that fear, no matter what the result And although that's the way I love myself, as I looked at my friends across the table, I realized that I equally respect those who have gone through the testing process and those who are waiting for the courage to do so.